The best part of journeys I book
to run away from something that's happening where I am is that by the time I come to take
them, everything has usually settled back down. It happened when my boyfriend in
second year dumped me and I booked a trip 4 weeks later to go home. It’s
happened now. That means that when I get there I can run into the arms of the
people I love and not use them to hold me up. It’s always been true that I
prefer to tell stories that have already ended, and the story of the last
couple of weeks is over now, it’s made its way into the category of ‘news’. I
can share it and we can comment and move on without trying to find a resolution
because I already have one.
‘My momma don’t like you and she likes everyone, and I never like to
admit that I was wrong’ – Justin Bieber, Love Yourself.
‘You know if I'm honest, I never thought they treated you that well, I
never said anything, but now you've said that, well.’
We moved on from that at the time because you were trying to get me not
to dwell on the bad - when was the last time I got to tell you anything
positive really? I'm going to ask you about it when I get back though, because
I want to know if my radar was really a bit off on this one. You know I'm fiercely protective of myself but also my weakness is getting people to like
me.
To the girl on the train who
started crying when she was on the phone,
I took my headphones out and
listened for a little while, to see if I could work out what had happened. To
see if I needed to go over and offer to help or support you. When I found out
my brother had been diagnosed with cancer I was on a train, travelling alone,
about half an hour out of Leeds, I had to move from First Class to Standard to
find a plug socket that worked. I’d been travelling back from Ireland since 5 AM that morning. I thought I was texting my parents so they could pick me up and
take me home but instead I had to navigate my way to a hospital I’d never been
to before, to a ward I never imagined I’d have to go to. I was on my own and
there was only one other person in the carriage. I know she heard me when I
called my boyfriend at the time to tell him what had happened and would he
please come and be there.
When you started crying it
reminded me how awful it is to be trapped in a moving carriage full of
strangers when you've received bad news. I was going to go over because it’s a
long way from where we were to London, and god knows you shouldn't only have
yourself for company if something bad has happened and you have to sit in the
same place for another hour and a half.
I'm glad you've just left your
keys at home. I'm not glad because it happened, it sounds super stressful and
difficult for you to solve (you've been calling various people for the past 20
minutes now). I'm not glad because it ‘could be worse’, you have every right to
cry in frustration and exhaustion at any situation. I'm glad because I wouldn't
wish you to do what I did, because I would hate to spend the next hour and a
half having my heart broken as you tell me what happened, or maybe you don’t
want to talk about it and I spend that time wondering if you’ll be okay. I'm
glad because I can’t promise nothing truly devastating will happen to you, but
I hope when you find out about it you’re in a place you can freely leave,
surrounded by people you love.
These people sat
opposite me are eating cheese Doritos and the smell is killing me.
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