I pass the time in Athens the way I always do, wondering if they play this horrible elevator music in every airport and maybe I only notice on layovers, and cursing the fact that the largest airport in Greece still manages to only consist of two corridors and one coffee shop. The journey has gone as smoothly as it ever can, despite having to negotiate the issue of when I’m leaving Jordan (which of course, I’m not), and could I please present my outbound ticket. The answer this time luckily is that I’m going to Beirut in three weeks but I still can’t help but roll my eyes – living in Jordan without residency is a pretty straightforward set of circumstances, but getting on the plane continues to be an adventure every single time.
There’s a cracking sunset from Athens airport though, silver linings being a very important part of days where I’ve been awake since 6am.
The default question before I go away is always ‘are you nervous’, truth be told this is the easy one, nothing to be nervous about. I get to be reunited with all my friends, go back to my office, and do plenty else besides. Amman is not an easy place to live, but we have worked a working arrangement in which unburden myself to friends who do not live here and continue to give it my all no matter how exhausting I find it. I will not pretend that the next few days will not be a lot of remembering how to navigate everything from the journey to work to how to top up my phone but we will get there.
So, the nerves are replaced by a feeling that I’m ripping myself away from home again. Short visits are deceptive because they allow you to forget the reasons you booked the flight in the first place. I hope I can trust the person who decided to do all this because she had been home for a while, waiting and checking her emails, and I think she was right that she couldn’t sit there forever. Right now though, I hate leaving more than anything. I could be comforted I suppose by the fact that I feel like this no matter how long I’ve been home, whether it’s been six months or ten days. Very lucky I am too, to have something so difficult to leave.
This sadness isn’t helped of course, by the fact that there is something very uniquely depressing about travelling through the night and in fact, by the time I arrive, the early hours of the morning. I think it’s because I’m so aware of what I would be doing instead, and that when I get to Amman the city will be asleep and I won’t see or speak to anyone I know until the next day. Also, my blood sugar levels are low and anyone who knows me will know that not having eaten is the number one cause of emotional distress in my life.
Closely followed by Microsoft Word’s obsession with trying to make my writing more ‘concise’ with its brown dotted lines which I do not remember asking for and is not something I have any desire to do. If I wanted to be concise I just wouldn’t write these 700 word pieces every week now would I?
*****
‘You didn’t tell anyone you were coming, did you?’
Okay so yes, I did kind of forget in the madness of the last few months and I did just show up at my desk on Thursday morning (switching the lights and the AC off as I went).
And yes, my colleague did have to greet me for the first in in eight months by yelling ‘do you need any help?’ when he found me scrambling around under my desk to find an extension lead. I did pour water through a plastic cup and onto my feet. I’ll tell you something though, these things are a damn sight more enjoyable when they happen and I’m in an office full of people, than sat at my desk in my house on my own.
*****
It took the weekend to remember why I love being here, why sitting around in cafes eating and drinking tea all weekend is my favourite thing to do. How much Amman can give you if you just look for it and plan accordingly. How lucky I am to have such good friends here and how much I actually kinda dig the heat. There I said it, I don’t live in exclusively hot places by accident - it’s all intentional, kids.
So basically, don’t worry, I’m fine, work is going fine (intense though it appears it will be). I’m busy and planning lots of trips and events and generally being a nightmare to myself by leaving myself no time to do all the other things I need to do. But if that’s what I need to feel at home - then go figure I guess?
*****
I’m on Instagram - clairegillesp - be prepared for the desert landscapes that are yet to come.
I’m on Twitter - @clairegillesp - probably complaining about the patriarchy, so business as usual I guess.
I’m obsessed with Sorry Not Sorry by Demi Lovato and Prayin’ by Kesha - working well in my now well-known favourite genre of music of women who do not need you shit.
xx
