The Pros & Cons of Staying

First of all, yes there was a little angry ranting blog post last week which I forgot/chose not to promote - it is about sexual harassment and it is here. In other news I also wrote this, for The Financial Diet, and this for Left Foot Forward. They are all in a very similar theme but different angles of today’s blog post, so that’s nice. I was also featured in Anne T. Donahue’s newsletter That’s What She Said, and that little excerpt is here (you should subscribe they are always very good):

"Listen to the people who love you and believe them." This is good advice because whilst I continue to be a bit of a disaster, my friends still love me -- this is because no one ever loved anyone because they were perfect, or ultra-successful, or got really good exam results. The people around me controversially continue to love me despite the thousand and one things that I have tried that have not worked. That is almost certainly true for everyone and their friends because the people who love you are not the Dragon's Den panel. Unless they are, in which case I hope they don't behave like that in their down time.

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I’ll level with you, I’ve never made a pros and cons list before, and until now I’d always thought they were basically useless. Then I started to have doubts about being here, the real reason I came basically ceasing to happen and the ambitions I had for staying looking solidly like they weren’t going to be fulfilled. Being here for a second period of time also gave me an insight into the things I want, and the things I miss. Most pertinently though, it gave me a lot of time to think about the things I think are important, and what I want my life to be made up of.

I didn’t include the obvious con which is of course, after declaring I was off on a long-term jaunt abroad, I was back, after only three months. I have the opportunity to do so many cool things here if I stay but I have to be honest about my career/life priorities at the moment, and these things might be cool but they’re not exactly what I’m looking for right now. The next few months will tell whether what I’m looking for exists and is within my reach but I think it’s worth my while to try. The embarrassment and apprehension of having to explain my decision isn’t really there in the way I expected it to be, I suppose after three years plagued with changing circumstances and changes of heart you just learn to get a little less attached to consistency. It hasn’t all been bad, but I can’t pretend it was all planned either.

This is me, all day, every day.

So, now I'm adding another unplanned decision to the list and I'm going home and it will 99% be for good. I've started applying for jobs, and clicking attending on events, and making all sorts of long-term plans and telling people I'm leaving. It's fair to say everyone's response has obviously been incredibly supportive, I guess that's maybe why I don't worry so much about these changes of heart or life decisions because I know I've surrounded myself with good people who respect me and support me. Here's the thing, even if they didn't, I just have to go.

Try as I might I just don’t have any attachment to Amman as a place, I have good memories here but I don’t recall them the way I do everywhere else I’ve lived. The people I’ve met here are as much a part of my life as people I met anywhere else, but I just can’t conjure the image of Amman as my home in the way I wish I could, not in a way that would make me want to stay. Especially not if the cafes and restaurants here continue to blast the AC despite the fact it’s really not that warm outside. I’m in a constant state of confusion because I see people sitting quite happily in t-shirts and I’m wearing three layers and freezing.

I wish there was a way to replicate how easy it is for me to practice and learn Arabic here, and to bring everyone with me, and to take all the bits of my life I love with me. But then it wouldn’t be leaving and then it wouldn’t be a decision at all. The truth is I just need a good job with good money and I wouldn’t find that if I stayed, not in the opportunities I’ve been offered and not with the sectors I would be able to work in. I have to be realistic and brutally honest with myself and wish as I might I’m just not in the position to do unpaid internships or receive stipends and also live and happy life in which I’m not constantly stressed about money. Nor should I have to, and I don’t want to resent my workplace because they claim to be socially conscious but don’t pay their staff. I have before slipped into saying that I shouldn’t have to work these jobs for free but no one should have to work any job for free. I have the ability to choose to not to that (and also the circumstances which force me out) and I am taking it (and accepting them).

So now these are my final few weeks in Amman and I’m very okay with that. I’m trying not to wish them away even though I’m so excited to go home and see everyone, trying not to condemn the time I still have left just because I know I’m making the best decision by leaving. Trying to work out how much stuff I’ve actually gained and if it’s possible to pack it all - why have I bought souvenirs that need to be laid flat and are made basically only of paper, what was I thinking?

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I’m on Twitter - @clairegillesp - which is locked right now so I don’t ruin my blossoming career as a PR for dentists.

I’m on Instagram - clairegillesp - where these will be the final few weeks of Amman-based content.

My life is just job applications and writing at the moment so I’m listening to podcasts but not really listening to them because I’m just writing about how great I am at teamwork over and over again.

xx