2017 - A Year In Review

As I'm writing this I'm sat with dye on my hair, aiming to recreate the hair look I've realised is basically my hair at its best, and the one I entered 2017 with. When you read this I'll be heading down to London to see in New Year the way I usually do, with my best friend and no defined plan - my favourite type of New Years Eve, to be honest. I'll have a shelf of new books waiting to be read when I get back, and a pile of magazines to get through, this year hasn't been an easy one for reading - thank goodness it's at least been a little better for writing. I hope I can do more of both next year.

This isn't about next year though, and it isn't (thank goodness) about my hair, it's about this year. 

2017 was A YEAR.

My friends asked me to rate my year this week and I gave it a staggeringly high 8/10. I wish I could have told first half of 2017 me that by the end she'd consider 2017 to be an 8/10 year. Maybe she would have enjoyed it more that way, but more importantly, maybe she wouldn't have beaten herself up so much about being unhappy in the first place. You can call it rose-tinting if you wish, but I have to say that feeling more peaceful by the end of the year does make me feel better about the whole 12 months. So with that in mind, let's take a little look at what 2017 brought me. 

• I lied, there is more about my hair - but finding my skin/makeup and hair happiness has been quite the achievement, I look forward to having those things locked down in 2018 and just maintaining them rather than endlessly googling 'best face oil uk'.

• I wrote - so much more! I pitched and got published and rejected (more the latter) and wrote this blog more and realised I only want to do it if I enjoy it. I don't want being a freelance writer to be my livelihood, or even a side-hustle, I want writing to be something I do as a passion project to relieve stress and make me happy. I'm glad I tried but also recognised I didn't enjoy any aspect of it (I love working in offices with other people - who knew?) and that I could be a writer without needing to send ten thousand emails a day trying to tell other people I was one. 

• I travelled - a lot. I just did a Twitter thread on my best moments of 2017 and after I'd finished realised I'd missed out so many day trips and city breaks. Next year will be more UK-based, but I hope I can still find time to take trips to every corner of the country and see the people I'm so lucky to have there. Travelling in itself isn't an achievement, but since I wasn't sure I'd ever get to have a year like this, it has made me very happy to look back on it and realise I had it, and I have loved every moment of it. The freedom and flexibility has truly been a blessing.

• I used my voice - I said what I thought, in public, in private, in public places but having private conversations because I have no sense of polite behaviour. I stood up for the things I believed in and myself (note for next year: make yourself something you believe in) and I met other people who thought the same. I didn't back myself and then I did, and you know, more than anything, I sleep much better now I do. 

• I made so many friends - I love other people and that's no secret so this one needs no explanation. 

• I have learnt so much - Arabic, French, politics and so much more from everywhere I've been and everyone I've encountered. 

It has been A YEAR. Maybe if I thought about it too hard I wouldn't call it a good year, but this is adulthood and it's HARD friends. If I can find a way to say it's a good year, if I can find a way to say I needed to have had those things happen to grow and change and just be in my twenties, and still class it as 8/10 because I know that's how I should feel - then maybe that's enough. May 2018 be the year I see the good things for what they are and the bad things as chances to learn. 

May we all have a little more peace and sleep as well as is humanly possible. 

*****

I'm on Twitter - @clairegillesp - where I'm realistically reviewing the year, talking about achievement and also posting my favourite photos from 2017.

I'm on Instagram - clairegillesp - where snow photos are available.

I'm reading Jeremy Bowen's War Stories and I love Loyle Carner.

xx

2018 Resolutions

This week I finally caved and decorated my room to match the feeling of the house - which is incredibly Christmassy - there is now a fibre optic tree on my desk, and multicoloured lights in my windows. The whole thing is very early 2000s and seasonal. So as the year comes to an end of course I have to talk about 2018 - what I want from it and what I’d like to do more of. I rarely make resolutions in the sense of changing my entire life outlook, I like to think I am slowly getting there with who I am as a person, and I don’t need to restart every January 1st. 

But then I had a very long and deep chat with some very good friends over a good breakfast (and then later in a Wok-To-Go), about resolutions and things we wanted to do next year so I was forced to think about it, and actually got quite into it. I don’t love the idea that I have to radically change my life every year but there are of course things that I’d like to be different by this time next year.

I also love a goal - so here are some more gentle and easily-achievable aims for 2018. 

• Less meat (the environment), less dairy (I’m intolerant) and more water (everyone should). 
• Keep taking your makeup off every night - this is going great so far, but it never hurts to keep it on the list. 
• Go outside every day - this will hopefully be easier eventually - whilst I’m still working from home in the dead of winter though, it needs a bit more focus and attention. 
• Do more yoga - even if it’s just five minutes in the morning, because it is so good for me and my joints and I don’t know why I find it so easy to not do something I enjoy so much. 
• Take plenty of photos, of other people, of things, of yourself - keep a nice record of things but also for me to enjoy enjoying how I look and not feeling bad about it most of the time. 
• If you won’t think of yourself, think of your skin - even though I could stress and worry myself to death every day, it would probably be more useful to stop doing that. Even if I can’t quite do it because I want to take care of myself emotionally, it is much easier for me to see the effects it has on my body, and vain as it may sound, it’s easier for me to focus on those sometimes than any kind of inner peace. 
• Read 30 books - I’ve even got a goodreads account and already started using it to get into the swing of things before I set myself a yearly goal of 30 books throughout the year. 
• Get rid of the trash - I know what I’m referring to and it’s about not putting up with things that have no place in my life in the new year, not waiting for them to get better, just plain getting rid of sources of stress in my life. Something I’ve already done in 2017 and I’m happy to report worked so well that I’m going to keep on doing it in 2018. 
• Stop explaining myself - I want to get better at saying ‘sorry, I just really don’t want to do that’ or ‘sorry, I’m too busy’ without feeling the need to bend over backwards to do everything that everyone asks me to. 

They might feel not very important, or deep, or life-changing, but I like them, I like that I can see myself doing them without too much effort but still being happy I did. I like that they’re about taking care of myself through being discerning about how I spend my time and energy, and I love that I’ll be taking care of myself on a number of different levels if I stick to them.

*****

I’m on Twitter - @clairegillesp - where lockdown is still active as ever but I’m also tweeting a lot about things I’d like to do differently next year.
I’m on Instagram - clairegillesp - where winter and Christmassy photos are everywhere.
I saw Star Wars, it was brilliant I have no other feelings about it that you’d thank me for so just go see it. I am also reading Journalism by Joe Sacco and The Vanity Fair Diaries by Tina Brown, and I bought myself the Faber & Faber Poetry Diary 2018 - so every week I get a new poem to go along with my messy handwriting which is nice.

xx

Smear Tests & Social Media

First off, some life updates: my most important message of this post is that if you are the right age to be eligible for a smear test please go. 

My nurse was super sweet and helpful and kept me talking and relaxed through the whole thing - which was not only fine with very low-level discomfort but also over very quickly. Of course even if it was the single most painful five minutes of my life it still needed doing and she told me that 92% of people who died of cervical cancer in 2015 didn’t get tested - so it literally saves lives friends, please please please don’t put it off. 

The second is that I went to a wedding! It was beautiful and emotional and I felt very honoured to be part of such a special day. Everyone looked absolutely gorgeous and the wedding was completely their own, including the flowers and table centrepieces which her wonderful mum made (get in touch if you’re getting married in the Yorkshire area and still looking for a florist). 

I’ve also been planning the rest of the month, filled largely with festive activities, and other activities which aren’t in themselves festive but are taking place in December so everything is by default a bit associated with Christmas. The words ‘we’ll have to see each other before Christmas’ keep coming out of my mouth, despite the fact that I have no family commitments beyond the day itself, and therefore, I am actually no less free than any other week of the year. Before January would probably be a good idea though, I have a feeling 2018 might bring a lot of change with it, including a possible change of location (?). 

I’ve almost kept my commitment to never complain about being busy, despite how much this time of year is a nightmare for everyone, because I am trying to accept that I actually enjoy it and not get trapped in complaining for the sake of it. 

Change of location not advised when home looks like this.

What a segway, now on to the topic of today’s post. 

The disclaimer I surely don’t need is that I am not at all suggesting you just snap out of feeling depressed or any other mental health issue you might have. I know that is impossible, and I would never tell anyone feeling that way to just ‘think about things differently’, I am not about to tell you to go for a walk to cure your clinical depression. I am lucky enough to not feel that way all the time, but I am also guilty of not always taking good emotional care of myself even when I don’t. 

The thing is, although I’m a huge advocate of feeling your feelings, when those feelings become a general mindset that I could do something about (i.e. I’m not suffering mental health-wise I am just being miserable) I have a responsibility to myself to try and be better. At least with the way I talk about things if nothing else, I am so guilty of being drawn into finding something to complain about when my friends are doing it, and the way I talk about and frame things has such an impact on how I feel about them. Incidentally my best friend is my best friend for the very reason that she encourages me to be excited where I could be stressed, to be proud when I could feel defeated, and to embrace being busy where I could be overwhelmed by it. She’s wonderful and I’m very lucky. 

I am lucky, not just for that reason but for a million others. 2017 was such a year. Describing it as great doesn’t feel right but it WAS, look at all the things I’ve done and the friends I’ve made and the things I get to do now because of it all. I can’t measure the year by its worst moments because that would be unfair, every year has had its troughs, and 2017 has been no worse than any other in recent memory. How many times have people sent me messages saying ‘looks like you’re having an amazing time’, ‘so jealous of your Instagram posts’ only for me to be like ‘yeah they’re right, this is all pretty great, thanks for reminding me’.

It really is as good as it looks, I have had an absolutely brilliant time. 

None of that is manufactured, or put on, and I wouldn’t feel like I could put it on social media if it was. Even the parts that aren’t Instagram-worthy are pretty great, I have friends I can have two-hour phone conversations with, who call me when things are bad and when they’re good, and I just generally love the company of other people. I’m trying not to complain about being busy when I make my life that way because I love it. 

The problem is that I don’t hold on to that feeling, and I don’t look at all of that for what it is - a really wonderful collection of people and opportunities which I am so blessed (#blessed) to have. I don’t take the time to think, actually there is so much in this life that you can handle but only because you have such a support network around you. I don’t say ‘actually I couldn’t give a sweet shit about having a lot of things, but having my friends close is something I really care about and have’. I have everything I could ever really need, including the sort of relationship with my parents which allows me to live in their house long-term-temporarily, and it infuriates me that I don’t even enjoy it. 

Any google of ‘social media comparison’ and you could read enough think pieces to fill a lifetime on how awful Instagram is and the relative evils of following people on social media. When it comes to body image and Instagram I am a complete advocate, please unfollow people who make you feel bad about yourself, you do not need that in your life. Fuck those beauty standards and fuck that pressure when we’ve all got better things to do and specifically fuck anyone who promotes that revolting ‘diet’ tea. 

What I often also find myself doing though, is feeling bad about myself because I’m not a business mogul aged 25, because I’m not giving TED talks on how to build your brand or manage a social media career. I don’t even want any of those things! I don’t want to be an entrepreneur, or a social media personality or have a personal brand. I can barely think of anything worse. I would quite like a podcast and a blog and some articles published sometimes but I also crave a 9-5. I want to go home and do nothing and have a normal schedule and some people don’t want that and that’s fine, but why am I jealous of things I don’t even want? 

I wonder if maybe it might be a bit harder to be content with what I have than I expected, and if maybe I’m not surrounding myself with the right people. I should make absolutely clear of course, that I do not insist on everyone around me being happy 24/7, but there is something to be said for surrounding yourself with people who cheer for you and encourage you to remember everything you’ve already got and achieved. That responsibility is on me too, to make sure I don’t take things for granted, and to make sure I don’t make my life a race against milestones that don’t even exist. I want to be able to scroll through social media and enjoy pictures of someone’s gorgeous holiday or fancy work event without using them to beat myself up with. 

I don’t want to have to convince myself that ‘no one’s life can possibly be that good’ because that feels like I’m hoping someone has struggles in their lives that I can’t see. I hope it really is that good, and I just want to remember that my life is that good too. Your life is good in its own way and I hope you enjoy it as much as social media looks like you should be, I want to enjoy mine as much as I should be, too. 

*****

I’m on Twitter - @clairegillesp - with a festive name but still on lockdown for the foreseeable future. It isn’t the dream but it is a necessary measure so I don’t worry about it every single day.

I’m on Instagram - clairegillesp- where there is more winter and Christmas content on the way.

I just read The Valancourt Book of Victorian Christmas Ghost Stories, The Upstairs Room & The Silent Companions - all ghost stories and very befitting of my winter mood. Someone commented I was ‘reading my feelings’ and tbh, yes, and I’m loving it. 

xx