I Stopped Trash-Talking Other Women...

...and It Was the Best Thing I Ever Did.

I used to trash-talk women. We all did, we all said some girl was too fat for that or too thin for this. We all said some girl was 'never going to get a boyfriend if she...'. We all, and sometimes still do, equate being a 'woman' with physical characteristics that exclude some women and create divisions. Hands-up if you've done it.

You at the back, I know you have, put your hand up.

It's okay because it's what we're told to do, we're taught that that's what being female is, it's snide comments, and competition for male attention, and one big long Madonna-whore dichotomy until we die. It's not easy to be a woman and it's not easy to stop chatting shit about other women to make yourself feel better. It is nice though. It's wonderful actually, to stop being so judgmental and realise that other people's decisions and bodies aren't mine to criticise. It's really freeing to love other women and take cues and inspiration from them and not to have to constantly define myself against them but enjoy defining myself with them.

So as I phase out my really awful learned behaviour I made some vows and these are they:

I will let anyone who wants to define themselves as a woman, or not.

I do not get to decide someone's gender for them.

I will not trash other women's appearances behind their backs, I will point out facts and give compliments, but nothing else.

If I am going to talk about another woman in public I will make sure I speak loud enough so she hears me and knows I am complimenting her.

When appropriate I will tell women that I think that they look great.

I will not decide what other women can or cannot wear based on their size or age or my own personal preferences.

I will realise that someone else's appearance is not my appearance so I don't really get to have an opinion on it.

I will not spout any bullshit about 'natural beauty' which implicitly demeans women who change their appearance to one which they feel more comfortable with.

I will not make other women feel inferior for wearing whatever amount of make up they wear or being interested in beauty and fashion. These things are not vapid or pointless and having an interest of them does not come in the absence of having intelligence or emotional depth.

I will not talk about personal attributes in terms of whether they are 'attractive' or not because I will not reduce women down to what other people think of them.

I will know that everyone is more than what they look like and that's pretty much the most important thing you can ever learn.

I will frequently tell other women they are intelligent and funny and kind, just as they do to me, so we can all remind each other of our value on the regular.

I will not judge other women by what they do or don't do in their sex lives.

I will celebrate whatever choices they make in their sex lives that make them happy.

I will not be made to feel uncomfortable about the choices I make in my own sex life.

I will not wax lyrical about 'what men want' from women, because I don't give a sweet fuck 'what men want' and neither should anyone else.

I will understand that a woman knows herself and her situation best and is in the best place to give advice to herself.

I will make sure all my friends know that I am an impartial observer to their behaviour, that I love them, but that I do not know best.

I will not give advice unless asked.

I will not say things like: 'you can't have a relationship if...', 'no one will ever want you if...', 'if you want a relationship you have to/you can't...'.

I will not presume that every action a woman takes is a play for romantic attention.

I will not presume that every woman's primary goal is to be in a romantic relationship.

I will not chastise others for making mistakes I haven't got round to yet.

I will let my friends admit to being hurt for as long as they are and talk about their problems for as long as they need. I will not make flippant comments about 'getting over it' or 'moving on' until they are ready to do so. I will expect the same in return.

I will not equate the length of a relationship (romantic or otherwise) or it's quality or whether it even existed determine what I think is the proper amount to be upset about it's break down or problems.

I will accept that I have made the best choices for myself and that everyone else should do the same. We are not better or worse than one another.