This probably never needed
saying, but Beijing is not London. That is great, Beijing is its own place with
its own things and doesn't need to be compared to anywhere. What is a little
less great however, is that Beijing International Airport is not Heathrow. It
could do with being more like Heathrow, with stuff to do and places to eat and
cafes that seat more than 6 people. Because honestly, being here may be the
most boring period of time in my life. Would not recommend, please stop me from
booking Air China again. Where are all the places to eat? I just want fast food
and I know it exists in Beijing proper so why hasn't it made it to the airport?
There is a Pizza Hut so I will of course be eating there.
You know I don’t know if I'm excited to get back to London tomorrow
(later this afternoon, I don’t know what time or day it would be most accurate
to say it was). Of course I love London, and I'm lucky to speak at the
conference and I can’t wait to see my girl on Saturday after it’s all over. But
when I get back later I don’t know how I’ll feel. At the moment I feel so tired
and my blood sugars are so all over the place that I could burst into tears at
any moment. A tea and some proper food is needed before this flight and the
same when I get to my hotel later. Let’s take care of yourself because you just
did something really tough; even really brave people with really level heads
rely on rest and food so their cells can produce energy.
P.S. When you get to London you need to buy an eyebrow pencil and some
tights and then some food and then maybe call someone and read and go to sleep.
You will feel better by Saturday I promise.
Good on you for having a good cry
in public as well. Good for you. Your emotions are nothing to be ashamed of and
this isn't high school. Who gives a shit
if you’re crying if you still go to that conference, and write things to
deadline and give love to your friends? If that’s what you need to keep going
then you cry all you damn well please.
And now of course the woman you awkwardly shut down conversation with
earlier is around every corner. At least you know she’s not on your flight
though – that’s some small relief at least. I know that she wanted to have more
of a conversation with me than just if she was at the right gate, because she
started talking about not being able to smoke and other people being unhelpful.
I didn't want to chat though, I was preoccupied with writing and trying to work
out in which order to do various things to allow my body to function
semi-normally. I know that she knew that I knew she wanted to chat. I hope she hasn't been too bored and that she makes it to her destination safely, but also I'm glad I didn't engage conversation out of politeness. My mental space is
more important than anyone else.
I feel like this A to B won’t be as interesting as the others because I
haven’t really spoken to anyone and also because it’s only really going to be
my layover in Beijing, possibly something from the hotel tonight and then maybe
(maybe) the train journey home. I hope no one minds that, it obviously isn't really a direct A-B then as it will involve stopping and take place over 4
days. Maybe it feels so stunted because there’s so much I won’t say or even
hint at. I’m quite happy to flail my feelings all over the internet but
clutching at straws presuming someone else’s is something else entirely.
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