The Pros & Cons of Staying

First of all, yes there was a little angry ranting blog post last week which I forgot/chose not to promote - it is about sexual harassment and it is here. In other news I also wrote this, for The Financial Diet, and this for Left Foot Forward. They are all in a very similar theme but different angles of today’s blog post, so that’s nice. I was also featured in Anne T. Donahue’s newsletter That’s What She Said, and that little excerpt is here (you should subscribe they are always very good):

"Listen to the people who love you and believe them." This is good advice because whilst I continue to be a bit of a disaster, my friends still love me -- this is because no one ever loved anyone because they were perfect, or ultra-successful, or got really good exam results. The people around me controversially continue to love me despite the thousand and one things that I have tried that have not worked. That is almost certainly true for everyone and their friends because the people who love you are not the Dragon's Den panel. Unless they are, in which case I hope they don't behave like that in their down time.

*****

I’ll level with you, I’ve never made a pros and cons list before, and until now I’d always thought they were basically useless. Then I started to have doubts about being here, the real reason I came basically ceasing to happen and the ambitions I had for staying looking solidly like they weren’t going to be fulfilled. Being here for a second period of time also gave me an insight into the things I want, and the things I miss. Most pertinently though, it gave me a lot of time to think about the things I think are important, and what I want my life to be made up of.

I didn’t include the obvious con which is of course, after declaring I was off on a long-term jaunt abroad, I was back, after only three months. I have the opportunity to do so many cool things here if I stay but I have to be honest about my career/life priorities at the moment, and these things might be cool but they’re not exactly what I’m looking for right now. The next few months will tell whether what I’m looking for exists and is within my reach but I think it’s worth my while to try. The embarrassment and apprehension of having to explain my decision isn’t really there in the way I expected it to be, I suppose after three years plagued with changing circumstances and changes of heart you just learn to get a little less attached to consistency. It hasn’t all been bad, but I can’t pretend it was all planned either.

This is me, all day, every day.

So, now I'm adding another unplanned decision to the list and I'm going home and it will 99% be for good. I've started applying for jobs, and clicking attending on events, and making all sorts of long-term plans and telling people I'm leaving. It's fair to say everyone's response has obviously been incredibly supportive, I guess that's maybe why I don't worry so much about these changes of heart or life decisions because I know I've surrounded myself with good people who respect me and support me. Here's the thing, even if they didn't, I just have to go.

Try as I might I just don’t have any attachment to Amman as a place, I have good memories here but I don’t recall them the way I do everywhere else I’ve lived. The people I’ve met here are as much a part of my life as people I met anywhere else, but I just can’t conjure the image of Amman as my home in the way I wish I could, not in a way that would make me want to stay. Especially not if the cafes and restaurants here continue to blast the AC despite the fact it’s really not that warm outside. I’m in a constant state of confusion because I see people sitting quite happily in t-shirts and I’m wearing three layers and freezing.

I wish there was a way to replicate how easy it is for me to practice and learn Arabic here, and to bring everyone with me, and to take all the bits of my life I love with me. But then it wouldn’t be leaving and then it wouldn’t be a decision at all. The truth is I just need a good job with good money and I wouldn’t find that if I stayed, not in the opportunities I’ve been offered and not with the sectors I would be able to work in. I have to be realistic and brutally honest with myself and wish as I might I’m just not in the position to do unpaid internships or receive stipends and also live and happy life in which I’m not constantly stressed about money. Nor should I have to, and I don’t want to resent my workplace because they claim to be socially conscious but don’t pay their staff. I have before slipped into saying that I shouldn’t have to work these jobs for free but no one should have to work any job for free. I have the ability to choose to not to that (and also the circumstances which force me out) and I am taking it (and accepting them).

So now these are my final few weeks in Amman and I’m very okay with that. I’m trying not to wish them away even though I’m so excited to go home and see everyone, trying not to condemn the time I still have left just because I know I’m making the best decision by leaving. Trying to work out how much stuff I’ve actually gained and if it’s possible to pack it all - why have I bought souvenirs that need to be laid flat and are made basically only of paper, what was I thinking?

*****

I’m on Twitter - @clairegillesp - which is locked right now so I don’t ruin my blossoming career as a PR for dentists.

I’m on Instagram - clairegillesp - where these will be the final few weeks of Amman-based content.

My life is just job applications and writing at the moment so I’m listening to podcasts but not really listening to them because I’m just writing about how great I am at teamwork over and over again.

xx

#metoo & the responsibility of men

No usual blog this week, too many decisions and job applications and a thousand things I'll explain later. 

Instead, just this: 

I originally wrote a list of incidents in the last few weeks, stories that you will have heard if you know me well. I deleted it because I don’t think I should have to relive every story for men to believe me. Because I’m a woman I’m expected to break myself open to help them understand, whether that’s good for me or not, whether they care or not.

How willfully stupid are you and how many times do we need to tell you?

I’m bored. I’m bored of being harassed, but I’m more bored of sharing these stories and having my female friends sympathise and talk about what ‘works’ to get rid of these men and what doesn’t, whilst my male friends seem surprised. Every. Single. Time. I’m bored of having to tell them only to feel like I might as well be talking to myself. You know these men. You have to. The world is not that big and these are your friends or your brothers or your cousins. It is your responsibility and not mine.

If I were to ‘be more careful’ at this stage I would have to conclude that the only effective precaution would be to never go outside, and I’m certainly not harassing myself, so who is to blame?

Harassment is bad, and it’s worse and more dangerous for women who do not have the privileges that I have. Men should be embarrassed of their gender and men should do something about it, because you have the ultimate privilege of being considered an actual person. Men do not harass me because they want to hit on me and they don’t know how. Men harass me the same way a child might run into a flock of birds; because they can, because they think it's funny and because they don’t humanise the thing they’re bothering because they don’t think birds have emotions or humanity in the same way people do.

And maybe you don’t yell at women on the street. Congrats. But maybe you do talk shit about women and call them ‘crazy’, maybe you believe women owe you their good behaviour, because they’re there just to please you, right? Women can only exist in relation to men so if you disapprove and say ‘I hate it when girls…’ then guess what, you’re still to blame. Every time you say something like that, you say that I can only be whatever you say I am, and therefore, I am only worthy of the treatment you think I deserve. If I am your friend or your sister or your daughter I am still a woman, and when you say ‘women’ you are talking about me. Those men on the street don’t care that you’ve deemed me ‘worthy’ of respecting, they just hear ‘women’ this and ‘women’ that.

The best way I ever heard it described was this -

‘every time you call a woman a slut, you make it unsafe for your friends and sisters and daughters and mothers to be outside’.

At this point I’d rather men just said ‘I’m sorry I know you’re being harassed and I probably do contribute to it somehow, but you know what? I just don’t care enough to say or do anything about it.’

And no, I’m not more exasperated or emotional than any other woman when it comes to this issue, I just have a blog and I won’t be quiet.

Finally, a little disclaimer: love and so much support to women who shared their experiences under the #metoo hashtag and I hope women who feel comfortable doing so continue to share their experiences. I will continue to support women, and all marginalised groups as much as I possibly can but I will not do any more emotional labour in which I am expected to explain to men who evidently could not give a shit, the ways in which misogyny impacts on my life. I will simply not endure those relationships, because I don’t think that on top of everything else, I should have to grin and bear discussing my actions and feelings about the men who harass me rather than say, what actions men could take to make it stop happening.

******

Here are some other things I've written this week: 

The Financial Diet What Happened When My Job Didn't Exist

Left Foot Forward Self-Employment and Worker's Rights

xx

Two Trips to Lebanon

Since I got back to Amman in August it feels like I’ve been constantly on the move, working with Project Amal ou Salam (which I’ll be writing about soon) and spending a couple of long weekends in Beirut with friends old and new. I am so lucky to be able to travel this region easily, and see so many versions of what we know the Middle East to be.

Both trips were approached without any sort of itinerary, the second was was very spontaneously booked because I was having a bad week, there was a national holiday and when someone asks me to go on a trip with them I find it impossible to say no. It was a reunion with a very good friend and some wonderful new ones, and I’m very happy I went even if the same country twice within the space of a month seems a bit much. I will do a little list of recommendations below, of restaurants, places and things to see.

• The Sursock Museum - is free and very cool and a great gift shop.
• Street Art - there must be an actual walking tour of street art in Beirut and it would be very worthwhile.
• Mar Mikhael - lots of cool cafes and tiny art galleries, can easily do a relaxed day walking around this area.
• Tannourine - go on a hiking tour, see some Lebanese Cedars.
• Sour - a cute fishing village if you have time, definitely not a priority.
• Le Chef - good food and good service.
• Mohammad Al-Amin Mosque - those ceilings.
• Downtown farmers market - Fridays(?), good to go for lunch.
• PlanBey - Treat yourself, and everyone you know, very good prints & graphic novels as well as handmade food gifts.
• Corniche - 10/10 would sea again.
• Jbeil - Beautiful, sea, castles, good sea food.
• Breakfast Barn - if you are the sort of person who likes oat milk and chia seed pudding, which I am.
• Makan - different cuisine every week, sit in the adorable courtyard.
• Mezyan - good Lebanese food.
• Onno - good Armenian food.

Obviously the sea is in there because we all know how life-changing I consider by the water to be. In my opinion you should always travel with people who want to make the effort to watch the sunset over a body of water because it will 100% be wonderful and make for a top Instagram photo. Beirut is not centred around its waterfront in the same way a lot of other places are but a walk along the corniche is a perfect pre-dinner activity.

               

Food-wise there are of course a number of Lebanese restaurants and the food across Lebanon is absolutely excellent. There are also so many cool cafes and restaurants with everything you could possibly crave, I’ve eaten sushi, a classic avocado on toast and a thousand coffees. I would of course recommend you had cuisine native to the region during your trip but if you want good food then Beirut can deliver on all fronts. Also, as very little of this is readily available in Amman without me bankrupting myself, I took the opportunity to exercise my #basic tendencies.

Lebanon is beautiful and wonderful and I adore it but it wouldn’t be fair to say any of that without giving a voice to the people I met, and know, who actually live there. A lot of Lebanese people are less enamoured with their country, the political instability, daily power outages and the influence of big business taking over buildings damaged by the civil war. Wandering into an art gallery we talked to the owner about the culture of Beirut, which feels so cosmopolitan and very genuine with it, only to be told that actually most people are all too aware Beirut has ‘copied’ capital cities from around the world. Buildings are being redeveloped to mirror the skyscrapers of London and Dubai and with it, Beirut is losing its classic architecture both Arab and European.

For sure, Lebanon is a country still finding its way and Beirut a city discovering how it can exist with all its multiple influences and communities harmoniously. I could not recommend it more highly, especially given that travelling options in the region are so limited and given that Lebanon is, comparatively to Jordan or Egypt, a much simpler excursion in many ways, for a first time traveller in the Middle East.

             

Personally, they were both absolutely perfect weekends, and I have completely fallen in love with Beirut. They were also much needed breaks where I travelled without my laptop, without doing any work, with hardly any access to wifi. I was reminded a lot of being in Paris, not just because of the French, but because of the way those weekends in Lebanon made me feel, the way a proper weekend break can make me feel like the things I’m worrying about aren’t big as I’m convinced they are.

So once again I’m calling on that post-weekend-in-Paris feeling where I realise how how many cool things I get to do, that maybe despite everything I actually choose this for myself. Even though, come December, I’m going to be offering up my soul in exchange for sitting in my parents house watching Christmas-themed daytime TV and being drenched to the bone by what is affectionately known as ‘British-summer just a bit more consistently cold’. Everyone has told me I should do at least one Christmas abroad so I guess this is the first one, and hopefully, the only one.

*****

I’m on Instagram - clairegillesp - it will never not be Lebanon-based content.

I’m on Twitter - @clairegillesp - more tales of being taken for a ride by my dentist and Conservative Party Conference hilarity.

I’m listening to the podcast Dissect Season 1, which goes song-by-song through Kendrick Lamar’s To Pimp A Butterfly and is a great analysis lyrically and technically.

And finally, a public service announcement: people who do not make you feel good about yourself do not deserve to see what you’re doing, babe, just block them.

xx